Welcome back to the only column that truly matters.

You’ve scoured the rest. You’ve read the amateur guesswork, hopeful guesses and coin-flip punditry.. Now, settle in. Because this is where we review the results of the weekend’s games against my definitive, infallible predictions.

Let’s be clear: I don’t just guess winners. I lay down cold, hard facts before they’ve even happened. This week saw moments of sheer predictive brilliance (yes, that includes the perfectly called scoreline that left the bookies weeping into their spreadsheets), and a few unfortunate results where certain teams clearly failed to read the script I had so meticulously prepared for them.

Let’s see how my weekend of foresight actually stacked up

Rutherglen Glencairn AFC 3 Park Sports Project 3

GREATER CROFTPARK ROSE 0 THIRD LANARK 4

River Nevis 2 Queens Park SFC 2

HUGH’s Friday nights predictions

Hugh predicted a River Nevis over Queens Park SFC victory for this match.

HUGH’S FINAL TALLY

2 correct match winners

One of which was a correct score

A Masterclass in Prophecy

Well, look at that. Another week, another demonstration of my superior predictive ability.

Two correct match winners and the glorious cherry on top: the perfectly called 3-3 draw between Rutherglen and Park Sports. Did anyone else see that specific, beautiful chaos coming? Of course not. That’s the difference between merely watching the game and understanding its inevitable conclusion. I don’t just predict; I divine.

The only mild disappointment was River Nevis failing to execute the victory I mentally mapped out for them. Honestly, a 2-2 draw? It’s just lazy football that ruined a clean sweep of winners. I give them the winning formula, and they still manage to fumble it. They really ought to consult me pre-match—it would save them, and more importantly, it would save my perfect record from such pedestrian results.

Still, one correct score is a score no one else will touch. A success, as usual. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go find a suitable trophy for this week’s genius.

No heatmaps. No faff. Just standards.